I stood at the bottom and watched my 5 and 8 year old ride up the mountain.
The 8 year old (moments before) had assertively asked the lift op to slow down the lift as he guided his little brother on. As they ascended the mountain I watched with a nervous belly and a proud spirit. I watched for another moment as they chatted together and I willed them not to wiggle and then I turned my back and went inside the lodge.
For me motherhood has been an exercise in letting go and trust. It began early when I first trusted my husband to calm the screaming colicky baby. It continues daily as they grow and often who I am trusting is that sweet young child himself.
This quote always speaks to me when I let my babies go off into the world.
“Making the decision to have a child – it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” ― Elizabeth Stone
As winter turns to spring I turn retrospective and I think about how far we’ve come and how I’ve grown as a mother. I think back to how hard it was to leave my first born alone for that first overnight and how it was easier with the 2nd. I wonder if that means I was more easy going the second time around or if I was just more trusting. Sadly I don’t have an answer. I don’t know if I need one.
If 8 years ago I had a peek into the future and saw myself turning my back on my kids as they rode the lift up a mountain alone, together, I wonder how I would have reacted. My brain thinks I would have seen growth and confidence in my children and my parenting. My heart feels I might have freaked out!
I couldn’t have looked forward from December and foresaw this moment. The 5 year old begged to be allowed to ride with his brother. When I needed to take a bathroom break and he wanted to keep skiing, the unthinkable became “the moment” when I trusted and let go.
Honestly I’m not sure why I’m sharing this with you. It’s possible I need a moment to accept and embrace my children as they finish up this season in this year. It’s possible I need the reminder in this very minute that they are capable independent people. People whom I will not be able to wrap in bubble wrap. The reminder that it is my job is to let them take these steps with trust and confidence.
That night as we are settling in I asked the youngest how his day was. “Mom it was so scary riding the lift with Quinny.” … and sensing more I wait, and he adds: “Scary and cool. And now I am braver.” And I think… so am I bud so am I.