I’ve been so sorry. So very sorry.
So very responsible.
So very sorry.
To my children, mainly. For not giving them the perfect life I’d planned for them. For not being the perfect parent I’d planned on being. For not having the perfect marriage I’d planned on having. (And, then, again, the second time.)
The life I gave my children was not the life I’d planned for them. At all.
Only, I’m done being sorry. (My children would agree that I have “owned my choices” and have more than covered the area of apologizing. They recognize my attributes and what I have done for them and they clearly state that apologies have never been necessary.)
I want to be done feeling guilty. I want to be done apologizing. I want to be done with being afraid to say no. (The guilt is the struggle there.)
I’m done being angry with myself.
I’m fifty years old. I have a wonderful life to live. My life is so good. So full. So rich. So joyous.
Yet, still, I apologize. I apologize for the groceries I did not buy (ten years ago.). I apologize for the sports events I never attended. (So many of them.) I apologize for everything.
It’s all I am.
I am sorry.
Well. I want more.
I want to be more than sorry.
I want to live a brave and courageous life.
And for that desire, I am not sorry.
(PS My new theme song is I’m Not America’s Sweetheart by Elle King)
Photo taken at BACK TO BLACK event, held at Waterworks. Photo by www.lovebuzzphoto.com
My sidekicks, making me feel courageous, that night.