“Mommy Wars… what?”

That was my reaction a few months ago after a blog post (from scarymommy) that I read that had several negative comments attacking another mom for a parenting decision she made. Others responded by pointing out that Mommy Wars is still rampant. Until this time this term was unknown to me. And I thought it was silly… then when I read up on it I realized that is really does exist.

I’m left wondering, why?

Why is it that when we have so many other things to worry about in life, our children, marriages, finances, home, work, health etc that we have time to exert effort to not only care about but to cut each other down about each other’s decisions? My daughter and I are out in the community all of the time and I am happy to say I have never experienced this in person. However, it seems that online, when we are only looking at a computer screen mean things easily flow from our finger tips.

This has really been weighing on my mind.

As an example, I don’t understand why someone deciding to bottle feed their child with formula deserves criticism from others. I’ll give people the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they don’t intend to be critical (in some instances cruel) and are just typing their initial reaction or the first things that comes to their mind. But then I go back to one of the first lessons my mom taught me, “think before you speak,” and “treat others as you wish to be treated.” People who share things about themselves online are real people, with real feelings and deserve respect and understanding.

So I have decided to make myself vulnerable (pretty scary!). As a regular contributor for BVTMB I want to demonstrate that I am a real person with thoughts and feelings.

This is me. I am 29 years old.

I’m a mother to my 13 month old daughter Caroline and dog Copper.

I’m a wife to my husband, Jason.

I grew up in NH with what I consider a complicated family whom I love very much. I attended the University of New Hampshire getting a BA in Family Studies and a Master’s in Social Work. Until I had Caroline I worked as a child protection social worker with the Department for Children and Families. It was through that work that I decided that I wanted to be a parent that was always present with their child, showed love unconditionally, made educated decisions about my child’s health and welfare, and was connected to my community.

Full disclosure about my parenting:

• At 13 months Caroline is still breast feeding and will continue to until she indicates she is done.
• We use disposable diapers.
• Caroline wears pink, skirts and sparkles on a regular basis.
• Although we try to eat local as much as possible, being organic is not a prerequisite for Caroline (or us for that matter) to eat it.
• Caroline has always slept in her own sleep space. First in our room and now in her own.
• I talk to Caroline all day, every day.
• Caroline has received all recommended immunizations for her age.
• She wears an amber necklace around her neck at all times except in the bathtub.
• We read several books a day, they are Caroline’s favorite toy.
• Caroline has a consistent nap and sleep schedule, but we can be flexible when need be.
• We have used the CIO method.
• Caroline watches/is in the room for 1-2 movies a day.
• I wear Caroline on a regular basis but am happy to let her roam.
• Caroline eats food off of the ground all of the time, and usually we don’t stop her.
• Caroline will ride backwards in her car seat until at least age 2 years old.
• Although we prefer wooden toys, or plastic toys from the US or Europe, Caroline has and plays with plastic toys made in China.
• Even though I am very happy with my family’s choice for me to be a SAHM many times I feel the need to throw in there that I work part time from home for BVTMB and facilitate a playgroup, for fear it doesn’t seem like enough (or who knows why???).
• We brush Caroline’s teeth twice a day with a smear of fluoride toothpaste.
• Caroline is bounced to sleep every night and for most naps unless I drive longer so she falls asleep in the car.
• We inadvertently followed baby led weaning when Caroline refused purees, and thus she has been eating solids since 6 months. We often follow her lead in all areas.
• It makes my heart happy that when either of her grandmothers are around I become a second hand citizen and she prefers them over me (until she wants to cuddle or nurse).
• I look forward to going to Barre classes 2-3 times a week because they are my 1.5 hour escape to be alone and focus solely on myself.
• I am not a perfect parent and in moments of weakness sometimes I’m not sure I’m even a good parent.

So here’s the thing. That’s a long list of items I just shared. Maybe some of them are similar to things you have done or believe… maybe not. I bet no one reading this post will say that they 100% believe in or do the same things as me. And that is okay. It doesn’t matter.

I truly honestly believe that all parents make the best decisions for themselves and their children with the information that they have, and it’s not my job to change your mind or criticize you for your choices. Even as a DCF worker I was supposed to meet a parent where they were at and build off of the strengths they already had to ensure that their children’s basic needs were being met.

I breastfeed, my cousin doesn’t. Are both of our children fed? Yes. Are they both thriving? Yes. What else matters? I might think myself lucky I don’t have to warm a bottle in the middle of the night, but she might think herself lucky that her daughter is happy to be fed by other people besides herself.

When I meet another mama or caregiver, what do I hope for? I hope to find a friend, someone who gets the big “IT.” Someone who maybe doesn’t believe in the same things as me, but who is able and willing to have discussions that enrich our abilities to be parents, and maybe most importantly someone who is there.

I wonder what would happen if all moms out there made a concerted effort to be kind to one another by respecting and accepting each other’s differences when we meet in person or through public forums online like this one. What would happen? If we all thought before we spoke/responded to others would Mommy Wars even exist? I don’t think so. But maybe I’m naïve.

I promise to try to do better to support my fellow mamas and try to create a judge-free community… what about you?