Motherhood Stole My Identity

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You know before you become a mother you have all these ideas of what type of mother you are going to be. I remember seeing women completely consumed by being a mom that they really let themselves get to the bottom of their priority list. I’m not judging whether this is good or bad, but for me, I didn’t want to do that. I knew my lifestyle would have to change and there just wouldn’t be time for certain things but I still wanted to make sure I didn’t lose my identity completely.

Another person being priority didn’t have to mean I would forget about me.

Then I had a newborn. I don’t even think at first I realized it was happening, but I was slowly losing myself. Those first couple of months I feel like I was just on survival mode and what would get us through the day. A shower and make-up were the last thing on my mind. I struggled inside with this new identity but thought it was just me. I always questioned whether I would come naturally to motherhood and so I figured this was just my lot in life.

Identity

After 8 weeks, I returned to work and well, a shower had to join the priority list. Then 7 months had passed and while things were getting easier and I felt like for the most part I was surviving this mom thing, there was still something inside me that wasn’t right.

I wasn’t feeling fulfilled with life and I thought, “Why isn’t being a mom making me happy like everyone else?”

One warm spring day, I decided to wear a dress to work instead of my usual leggings and tunic length sweater look that had stuck since having a baby. A person who shall remain anonymous made a comment on how she liked my dress. I jokingly replied “I decided to give my leggings the day off”. I don’t know how I expected her to respond but I didn’t expect it when she said “Yeah, I’ve noticed you dress much more casually since having a baby.”

At first I was a little offended. Part of the reason leggings made such a great addition to my post pregnancy wardrobe was that I wasn’t back to my pre-pregnancy size yet to wear any of my office clothes. This saved me from buying a new wardrobe before accepting what my new body was like. And have you tried to get ready in the morning with a newborn? Most mornings my husband was out the door before me so I was getting ready by myself with a baby.

Then suddenly it dawned on me.  Motherhood had stolen my identity.

While maybe what she said hurt a little, what hurt more was the realization that yes, I had lost myself. Sure, fashion isn’t everything, but I like clothes. I like dressing nicely. I like wearing make-up and doing my hair. Do those things take priority over taking care of my baby? No. Did they have to go away completely? No. I mean, I was still getting dressed in the morning, taking whatever amount of time to pick out an outfit. Why did that always have to default to leggings or yoga pants? Wouldn’t it take the same amount of time to grab some jeans or a dress?

If any of my friends said they took time every day to go the gym and have some me time, I would have totally agreed that was important. If they said when they were shopping they only bought their child 5 new outfits instead of 6 so they could buy themselves something new that they felt fantastic in, it would not have even crossed my mind that it was wrong. Why wasn’t I allowing myself this same advice?

Why had I not bought myself any new clothes that I felt great in with my new mom-bod? Why did I feel guilty every time I went for a run leaving my daughter with my husband? Why did I feel it was ok for my husband to still golf and yet I wouldn’t allow myself any activities without feeling guilty?

Just because I’m a mom doesn’t mean my past identity had to disappear. Adjust, yes, to accommodate for the fact that I was now responsible for keeping a tiny person alive.But disappear? No.

I’m still not perfect. Mom-guilt is unavoidable but with support from friends and my husband, I think I am making great strides to make sure motherhood is a part of me, not my whole me.  Now don’t get me wrong, leggings are still a staple in my wardrobe, but I try not to wear them all week.  I’ve treated myself to a few items here and there that I feel great wearing. I’ve tried new activities like spinning and blogging.  I feel like I’m slowly navigating through this new role and trying to figure out the balance.  A happy mom is a good role model for my daughter right?

Did you have trouble adjusting to your new role as a mom and not losing yourself?  How do you balance being a mom and still having time for you?

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Heather Moreau
I was born in Connecticut, raised in Vermont. I don’t think I completely appreciated the adventure and beauty of our state until I met my husband. We've now been together for ten years and married for seven. I am a step-mom to a high-schooler, mom to a toddler, and doggy-mom to a Great Dane/Mastiff mix. I enjoy the beach or anything near water, hiking, and snowshoeing. I'm obsessed with sunsets and foliage. In beautiful weather, I love to be outside, but otherwise, I prefer a good nap on a Sunday afternoon in a warm and cozy house (although naps seem to be far and few between since having a baby!) I'm a girly-girl at heart, but am not afraid of dirt. I love food, beer, whiskey, and wine and pretty much anything that involves partaking in those.

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