A question was posed to me about sex after kids. HA, I thought. What sex life?
You see, my sexual side before having kids vs my sexual side of today are polar opposites. And by that, I mean that my desire to have sex is now nonexistent. I have a loving marriage, a happy home, and healthy children. My sex drive, however, is gone. Poof!
My pre-kid self was never an overly sexual person, but I never looked at sex as a task or a requirement. I enjoyed my husband and our intimacy. It was still fresh and new, and we were exploring who we were as a couple even after years of dating. We were satisfied with our sex life. Today, now that we are parents, sex has become a task to cross of my list, knowing that it’s an essential part of, “Keeping the spark alive” in my marriage.
I’ve had my own mother say to me,
You know he needs it. And if he isn’t getting it at home, he’ll look for it.
Thankfully, I have no fears of that. None. My husband and I are 100% faithful and loyal to each other.
I hear people complain about being intimate only once a week, and I can’t help but chuckle a little inside. That’s a lot of sex in my opinion. Though I’m entirely aware that my version of “a lot” might be completely unreal to some couples. Or perhaps not?
My poor husband must be a saint. Between work, laundry, cleaning, cooking, parenting, and trying to keep my sanity, I have no time to think about intimacy. And when the kids are fast asleep, the last thing I care to do is anything other than relax or fall asleep myself.
He never pushes me and while I’m sure it’s a struggle for him, he accepts how I feel. I know one day this will be different but very little sex has become our sexual norm.
Fortunately, I’m aware of the fact that we have little to no sex life. So aware that I can pinpoint the exact reasons why we stopped having sex so much:
- Pregnancy. I was actually scared to have sex when I was pregnant. I was scared that sex would result in early labor. I know I’m wrong, but it was a very real fear to me.
- Exhaustion. I’m tired. I mean seriously tired. I work a full-time job, do the grocery shopping, prep the meals (he does help cook a ton), head out to different sporting events for the kids, then manage the house when I actually get home. Don’t get me wrong, I love being the one to do most of the housework (he does help so let’s give him some credit), but the last thing on my mind when the kids fall asleep is sex.
- I no longer feel sexy. It’s true. Not a single ounce of me feels sexy when I look in the mirror. Sure, I can find an outfit that is flattering, or get a confidence boost from makeup, but deep down I still don’t feel sexy. I don’t even like to be seen naked.
- I hold grudges. This one might sound odd, but hear me out. If I ask my husband to do something, and he completely ignores me, I get frustrated. If I have to then ask him that same thing multiple times a day for several days, and then end up having to take care of what I asked him to do myself… you bet I’m holding that over his head. So why on earth would I want to do a task that he wants, when I’m tired, I don’t feel sexy, and he can’t even do a simple thing I ask him to do? Petty.. You bet, but I don’t care.
Writing this post has made me realize that while we don’t have the typical sex life of other married couples, we have one that works for us. It’s allowed us to truly remember why we are married. We have an incredible partnership and we have always been better as a team.
Sex is an “extra” and not the main reason we are together.
So, while our version of sex after kids is pretty dull to most, it’s quite honest to us. We are able to be incredibly intimate with each other even with an active sex life on hold. To me, partnership and trust are the truest forms of intimacy.
It seems like you don’t have as much desire because you’re taking on too much responsibility. Between child rearing and work, you’ve got two demanding jobs right there, one of which, you have to be on the clock all the time. I understand your comment about grudges; you want to feel listened to and respected by him following through with his commitments to you, when you are already doing a lot. A failure to take something off your plate doesn’t make you any less stressed or any more ready for intimacy.
I would encourage you to find a balance however. It seems like you are trying to be super mom. These comments are relatively negative, but I was left truly wondering what your husband is doing for you to make you more comfortable or “woo” you. For women, intimacy is mostly mental. You need care and less stress to feel comfortable in the bedroom. Try resetting household expectations to be more even, and see how you both feel in the sack! I’m sure your husband would be willing to do more if he loves you and values your contributions.
This is clear delusion on your part, your husband doesn’t want to have sex with you because you are a horrible person. Not because you withhold it. Your marriage is in trouble and I think you know it deep down. The no sex may work for you but your husband is just tolerating it.
Your husband is probably going to cheat on you. Or realistically already is.
Your marriage is toast.
I had some sympathy until the grudges comment. He will leave you sooner than later if he’s wise. Withholding sex as a punishment means you no longer enjoy sex with your husband and you only see him as a worker to lighten your load in life. You should not be holding him down, but you won’t set him free because you don’t want to be a single mom.
You are literally holding him hostage as an implement to make your life easier because you blame him for making it difficult. Grow up. Let him be happy somewhere else instead of dragging him down to your misery. He sounds like a solid dude that would do his part for the kids in a split.
I guarantee you your marriage isn’t the solid strong thing you think it is. Your husband resents you, and if he’s not cheating on you, he’s probably watching porn regularly. You need to prioritize your marriage, or it’s going to fall apart. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, but years from now when the resentment has grown to a point where there’s no fixing it. He didn’t marry the kids. He married you.
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Yeah, that tracks.