Being a stepparent is hard and there is no easy way around that fact.
I was recently reminded of this by another parent. The parent assumed that I didn’t love my stepchild enough because I expressed that I wanted to have another child with my husband. We currently have a 22 month-old daughter and he has a 9-year-old son from his first marriage. Had both children been born to me, then I would have been just another 30 something yearning to fill her nest, but because one of them isn’t biologically mine, this parent assumed that I must not love him enough, or want him, or feel he is mine. She couldn’t be more wrong.
For me, being a stepparent means always being on the edge of parenthood but never fully being allowed in because it’s overstepping or “not my place.”
Stepparents don’t fit into many parenting circles because we aren’t seen as real parents. We aren’t allowed to vent about the latest load of laundry sacrificed to the crayon gods in the dryer and are often thwarted when we try to pick our sick and vomiting step children up from school… those tasks are best left to the real parents. Stepparents aren’t seen as real parents; we are something in between, a placeholder for our spouses but still expected to dutifully tend to raising and loving a child into an actualized adult.
For the past 6 years, I have helped raise, nurtured, and watched m y stepson grow. I have fought for him and advocated for him when no one else would. I have lost sleep wondering if he was okay when he was sick and pulled all-nighters creating what I believe to be the best Valentine’s Day treats ever. I do those things because I am a parent, my stepson’s parent, with no strings attached. I am his parent and I want the best for him so I swallow my pride and feelings and stand back when it comes time for parent/teacher conferences, award banquet nights, and parent celebrations. As much as I am his parent and as much and I love him, I know that he will never be mine and I can not replace his biological mother. I do not want to replace her.
I am my son’s stepmom, his almost parent, and his father’s wife.
I am not allowed to cross that threshold into parent territory. I can’t complain about his socks or the three-week-old liquefied banana in his backpack because only a cold hearted witch complains about another person’s baby. I can’t post pictures of his first day of school, first lost tooth, or school achievements because those are rewards reserved for his parents.
As a stepparent, I have quickly learned to love fully and unconditionally knowing that my heart will be broken.
My heart breaks every time I am forgotten, every time I take the brunt of frustration of an angry child who is mad about his parents’ divorce, and every time I am reminded that to some, I am not a real parent to my stepson.
I am a real parent to my stepson though! I am real to him and I make real impressions in his life. My parent credibility should not be defined by whether or not I carried him inside of me. Judge my parenting based on my choice to stick with my stepson when the times get tough, my choice to jump feet first into parenthood without any preparation, and my ability to quietly hold it together when I want to break down because parenting is so incredibly hard! I love my stepson enough that my feelings don’t matter. I will be crushed a thousand times this week and another thousand next week, but I’m not going anywhere. Parents don’t leave.
I am not looking for a celebration or applause, and I don’t need a card or even a thank you from my stepson. What I do need is acceptance from other parents. I need less criticism and more support, that what I am doing has merit and value. I want to feel like I have a seat at the mommy table and have my voice and experiences heard. I want the “step” in my title to be recognized after my contribution to raising a fine, well-adjusted and sensitive soul. I do get to call my stepson mine, even if I am only borrowing him for the moment.
Thank you so much for writing this post. I’m having the hardest time finding resources for step parenting. I’m in a rather non-traditional situation in that since my wife and I are both female, I have the added issue of having to explain the situation every time, and there are even fewer resources that reflect our unique situation. I’m also not a natural child rearer by any means so I struggle with guilt over not feeling more mom-like, despite being a far better parent than their father, yet my feelings still get hurt when I’m reminded that I’m not their “real” parent. Their dad is not great, but he’s still their dad. My stepkids are pretty great. They have their behavioral issues, but mostly they’re sweet, clever kids. And I know they love me, but it’s still hard to hear when they say they wish their parents were still together. They’re too young to understand how very terrible life would be if that were the case. Anyway, thank you again for sharing your story. And know that your fellow stepparents know that you’re a real parent and that your stepson is so lucky to have you.
Step parents have a hard time. Im a step mom and i can never feel for my stepson when he is sad or mad bc im not his parent. His mother makes it clear every time we have him im not his mother. And i know that and i tell her all the time that im not trying to replace here. And that i am his stepmom and i am and will always be a big part of his life for i am married to his father. One day i wrote on my wall on social media that we werent getting him bc he had the stomach flu and i was 8 weeks pregnant with really bad morning sickness and i got judged and put down. Every step parent situation is different and no one should judge the other we should all be here for each other. Thanks for this post, it helps me feel like im not alone.
Michelle, thank you so much for commenting on my post. You are not alone, and I was inspired to write this post because of many of the reasons you mentioned. I am happy you were able to feel represented in the mom club and will not stop pushing for more understanding of stepparenting. Congrats on your pregnancy as well. I hope you continue to find support in this community ❤️ [red heart emoji]